All babies start out with the same number of raw cells, which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications centre of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs.
If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.
After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brain differs, but the centre of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as 'computer programmers.' Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as 'normal.' A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as...'rugby players.'
A fellow went into a pub with his dog. They were both keen supporters of their local rugby team and they watched the Saturday match on TV with great interest. Every time the home team scored a try, the dog barked and yelped with delight.
'What does he do when the other team scores?' asked the barman.
'He does somersaults,' said the dog's owner.
'How many?' asked the barman.
'Depends on how hard I kick him!'
First girl: 'I hear you're going out with a rugby player. Is he any good in bed?'
Second girl: 'No, not much. I got him to take some rhino-horn pills.'
First girl: 'What for?'
Second girt: 'They're supposed to be an aphrodisiac.'
First girl: 'Did they do any good?'
Second girl: 'Yes - but the trouble is that now every time he sees a Land Rover, he charges at it.'
A North Country rugger man visiting London for an away match went in to Woolworth's and said to one of the salesgirls, 'Do you keep stationery?'
'Well,' she said, 'I do at first, but during the last ten seconds, I just go wild.'
A stunning young beauty walking down Chapel Street in a pair of skin-tight jeans caught the eye of a visiting rugby player who had come down to Melbourne for the Rugby World Cup.
'Excuse me, miss,' he said. 'I couldn't help wondering how on earth anyone could get into those jeans.'
'Well,' she replied, 'you could start by buying me a vodka Martini.'
The roughest, toughest front-row forward in the team walked into a pub one night with a crocodile on a lead. He hit the crocodile over the head with a lager bottle and it opened its mouth wide and appeared to pass out. Then the rugby man whipped out his dick and stuck it in the crocodile's mouth, pulling it out just in time before the creature's jaws snapped shut again.
'Now then,' he bellowed, looking around at the assembled customers, 'is there anyone in this pub tonight with the courage to do that?'
A little old lady in the comer stood up and said, 'I don't mind having a go - but don't hit me too hard with the bottle.'
Fred the five-eighth invited his girlfriend over to his apartment to spend the night in dalliance. As they prepared for bed, he said, 'Honey, I'm going to screw you like you've never been screwed before!'
Half an hour later, she pulled a feather out of the pillow and started to tap him on the head with it.
'What are you doing, honey?' he asked.
'Well,' she said, 'comparatively speaking, I'm beating your brains out!'
A man came into a local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, 'There is some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half head of lettuce.' As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'and this gentleman wants to buy the other half'. The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, 'you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?'
The boy replied, 'New Zealand sir'.
'You're joking ! Why did you leave New Zealand?' asked the manager.
The boy replied, 'They're all just whores and rugby players over there.'
'My wife is from New Zealand!!' said the manager
The boy replied, 'Really! What team did she play for?'
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2 inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled everything else.
'Now,' said the professor, 'I want you to recognize that this is your life. 'The rocks are the important things -- your family, your partner, your health, and your children -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. 'Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'
A rugby-playing student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
Which proves: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer.
A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with 'T':
Thaturday and Thunday
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I've never done either.'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks?'
I said 'No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning or rock climbing?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He said, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?'
'No,' I said. 'I've never done *any* of those things.'
He looked at me and said 'Then why do you care if you live to be 80?'
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
'Top of the mornin' to yer, sir' says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
'What are dey den, son?' asks the attendant.
'They're called tees' replies Tiger.
'Well, what on de good earth are dey for?' inquires the Irishman.
'They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving' , says Tiger.
'Feckin Jaysus' , says the Irishman, 'Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!'
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'.
So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'. The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'.
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'
'What, he had two arseholes???' said the mortician.
'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes.
'I can't find it.'
Really means.... 'It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.'
'It's a guy thing.'
Really means....'There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.'
'Can I help with dinner?'
Really means....'Why isn't it already on the table?'
'Uh huh,' 'Sure, honey,' or 'Yes, dear.'
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
'It would take too long to explain.'
Really means...'I have no idea how it works.
'We're going to be late.'
Really means....'Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.'
'Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.'
Really means....'I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.'
'That's interesting, dear.'
Really means....'Are you still talking?'
'You know how bad my memory is.'
Really means.... 'I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.'
'I'm going fishing.'
Really means...'I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.'
'I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.'
Really means.... 'The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.'
'What did I do this time?'
Really means.... 'What did you catch me at?'
'I heard you.'
Really means.... 'I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.'
'You look terrific.'
Really means.... 'Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.'
'I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.'
Really means.... 'No one will ever see us alive again.'
'We share the housework.'
Really means.... 'I make the messes, she cleans them up.'
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED ORGANISM.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED -She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
She does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - She INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a SEX MACHINE He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take hise yes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'
A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-storey hotel with a sign that reads 'For Women Only'. Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
'We have 5 floors ... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside.'
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads 'All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind'...the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads 'All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly'. This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor where the sign read 'All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women.' This was good but there were still two more floors.
On to the fourth floor, the sign was Perfect. 'All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight.'
The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.
When they reach the fifth floor, the sign reads:
'There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman.'
There are several men in the locker room of aprivate club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
'Honey, It's me.'
'Are you at the club?'
'Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?'
'What's the price?'
'Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much...'
'Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 at a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...'
'What price did he quote you?'
'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
'Great!, before we hang up, something else...'
'It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...'
'How much are they asking?'
'Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover...'
'Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?'
'OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!'
'Bye... I do too...'
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks all those present: 'Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
Twenty teams will be competing for the title of 'World Champions'.
This is a bit like being AFL champions, except it allows teams from outside Queensland to win. Each of the 20 teams represents a different country, which is a lot different to AFL. However don't let this confuse you. Most of the teams are very similar to one of the AFL teams, and they even have club songs (called 'national anthems'). When you're tipping just think of the corresponding AFL club and you can't go wrong. Well, not much anyway.
New Zealand = Collingwood. Appear to be top notch, and think it's their destiny to win - but rarely do, much to everyone's delight.
England = Port Adelaide. Chokers.
Australia = Brisbane. Always seem to win the games that matter - somehow.
France = Sydney. Underestimated.
South Africa = Essendon. Not as good as they used to be.
Ireland = St Kilda. Sentimental favourites but never do much.
Wales = Hawthorn. Were good once. A long time ago.
Scotland = Geelong. Skirt wearers and too inconsistent to threaten.
Argentina = Fremantle. Better than they used to be, but not there yet.
Italy = Richmond. Long-haired pretty boys.
Samoa = Melbourne. Mystery men.
Fiji = West Coast. Entertainers...and that is all.
Canada = Western Bulldogs. Love a scrap.
USA = Adelaide. Everyone wants to beat them.
Georgia = Kangaroos. No supporters.
Tonga = Carlton mark I - enough said.
Namibia = Carlton mark II
Uruguay = Carlton mark III
Japan = Carlton mark IV
Romania = Carlton mark V
Local news sources in the Box Hill metropolitan area warn all clubbers, unsuspecting pub regulars, and particularly Box Hill Rugby men to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A new date rape drug on the market called 'Beer' is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a predator female needs only a few dollars, a bar tab, and minimal looks to get these poor guys to consume a few units of 'Beer' and then ask him home for no-strings unattached sex!
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several 'Beers' men will often succumb to desire to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted to. After drinking 'Beer' men often awaken with only hazy memories of dread and foreboding from the night before as they scramble to invent an absurd story for their mates to justify their lust with this incredibly ugly and predatory female. This imposes absolutely gut wrenching degradation that usually drives our mates into full despair and more encounters with 'Beer' and dubious female predators.
At other times, our male brothers are swindled out of their life savings in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. Studies have shown that the male is highly susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is thrust upon the helpless male by the predatory female.
Please forward this vital notice to all your rugby mates. Support groups can be located among our brethren in Unquenchable rugby at the clubhouse on Thursday Nights
Be careful out there, gentlemen
Rugby players all have specialized positions. On each side there are eight players called forwards who push, charge, wrestle, barge and very occasionally go forward carrying the ball under one arm. Sometimes, they move in a knotted group, hiding the ball, and this is very clever. The other seven players are called backs, so called because they run sideways, throwing the ball backward to each other. Sometimes, they manage to run right across the field and this is very clever. Most of the time, the backs drop the ball, run after it, stumble and fall over. When this happens the other side picks it up and runs the other way. The player who dropped the ball must now think of an excuse, it was the sun, the wind (sometimes their own) the moon, I wonder what's for dinner, I pulled a muscle, it was a bad pass, etc. etc.
The Fullback... The last line of defence who is always blamed when the opposition score. Unquenchable fullbacks however, position themselves with care to avoid being near attacking players or under high kicks. This is known as reading the game well. They also make great cheerleaders and will cheer everyone else on while clamouring about trying to keep up. They often gasp and wheeze while looking to the sideline for the nearest water bottle or opportunities to be included in the best photographs.
The Wingers... There is one of these on each side of the field, left and right. They are known for having a marked reluctance to take responsibility and a tendency to panic under pressure. They are always the first to pull a muscle. With the Unquenchable's, rather than allowing any true wings to pull up lame before the match, forwards, especially slow and exhausted front row types, are usually deployed to confuse the opposition.
The Centers... Two again, one inside the other outside. When attacking, they are the ones who run quickly toward the nearest opponent and collapse into their arms. When they try to kick the ball it is always an adventure. Center's traditionally have high sperm counts but in the Unquenchable's we use forwards as center's so this tradition is threatened. Center's are usually known for speed and the Unquenchable's center's are no exception. They often sprint off the field to the toilet or to the bar to reload. They have an uncanny knack of tripping over themselves or being flattened by opposition players whom they were trying to run through.
The Fly Half... In Unquenchable's rugby this is the big laugh position reserved for aging trendies who think they can still cut the mustard. They act tough by striking various poses, snarling, blowing snot, spitting, and wearing Velcro inside their jockstraps. If someone comes near them they usually do one of three things. (1) kick the ball anywhere (2) run anywhere (3) assume the foetal position.
The Scrum Half... A small knotty type person who usually does exercises on the day of the match. Spends the whole game trying to keep out of the reach of opposing forwards. Usually becomes cocky in the last fifteen minutes and gets battered. In the Unquenchable's, the scrum half traditionally talks to the referee, the forwards of both teams, backs of both teams, supporters and other teams playing close by. The current Unquenchable's scrum half has been known to keep talking in a style similar to shorthand dictation even after the match and right up until close to 1 AM the following morning.
The Front Row... The vice ring of the scrum. In Unquenchable's rugby they play a separate game with the opposing front three. Often their game is played in one part of the field, without the ball, while the rest proceed elsewhere. After 15 minutes they are always completely shagged and, like all alcoholics, vow this is the last time. Multi coloured belly button lint is a prerequisite. On the Unquenchable's, all of the above is true, but the same qualifies one for a position on wing or at center. Unquenchable front rowers are reluctant to move any body part at all.
The Second Row... This is the most restful position. To be able to rest one's head between two well cushioned thighs, clutching on to each others love handles can put some second rowers to sleep. They are known to enjoy the comfort of being comfortably tucked up at the bottom of a pile of players. An experienced second row can go through a complete game without making any contact with the ball whatsoever. Usually distinguished by a magnificent pair of ears and a nose the shape of South America. Second rows types have an uncanny ability to sustain regular breathing amidst putrefied, nauseating odours. They love scrums and the mysteries associated with slipping ones arms through the legs of the front row. The art of this simple act has usually been passed down from father to son or mother to daughter.
The Loose Forwards... Unquenchable's loose forwards are basically nasty people who have never grown up. They have learned however, to get younger colleagues to do the actual tackling. The number eight loose forwards usually believe they could have played one more season in the competitive grade and always get conned by the other flankers into doing dirty work. The main goal of the loose forwards is to complete the game with their hair still in place, and be in the front row of exotic dance establishments. They are also apt to remember plays in which they were involved, even though no one else who played in the same game has the faintest recollection of their participation.
The Referee... Easily identifiable because they are always forty yards behind the ball, even at the kick off. Usually played in the lowest team in the lowest division before moving on to Veterans rugby. Most retire from playing Veterans rugby with a minor injury and are known to drink a glass of wine after the match. Referees recently petitioned the International Rugby Union to have the inside of the ball lined with tin. Pebbles would then be placed inside the tin and the ensuring rattle would enable them to at least be aware of the general direction of the play.