Our beer, Which art in bottles
Hallowed be thy Sport; Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk At home, As it is in the pub Give us each day our daily beverage And forgive us our spillage, As we forgive those who spillest against us Lead us not into poofy wine tasting And deliver us from Tequila For mine is the lager, the chicks and the Rugby Forever and ever. Barmen
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ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men. EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get". INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is. NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye. "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jim Beam, my Prozac, some valium, a small box of chocolates and 2 litres of Fosters Lager, a 1/2 can of cider, a large reefer and some cheese. You have no idea how $%*(# good I feel.... You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace... An Englishman and a Irishman lived next door to each other.
The Irishman had a hen in his yard and every day he would collect the egg the hen laid and have it for his breakfast. One day he went out to fetch the egg and found that the hen had laid it in the Englishman's yard. The Englishman, over the Irishman's loud complaints, claimed the egg as his own. They argued on until the Irishman suggested that they settle things using the old Irish ways. He explained that this involved the combatants taking turns kicking each other in the groin, with the winner being the one spending the least amount of time rolling around on the ground in pain. The Englishman agreed with this approach, and the Irishman claimed the right to take the first shot. Strapping on his heaviest steel-toed, hobnailed boot, he took a running start and gave the Englishman a terrific kick in the groin. Long minutes later, the Englishman managed to get to his feet and gasped "Now it's my turn". The Irishman replied "Ahh sure, just keep the egg" and walked away One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!" An Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "
Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The Englishman, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they had lashed him and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German". Paddy was an inveterate drunkard.
The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?" First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ". After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing. Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole thing. This Quenchie Forward that was talking to his mate, and he said "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped".
His mate said "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled". So the fellow did. The next day his mate said "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the forward. "Did she like it?" hs mate asked. "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead --- and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!" Young Kev called a local law firm and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Kevvy, sure is true," responded the lawyer. "And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true, mister lawyer?" "Sure is Kev" "And the lady sued McDonald's for millions when he was given the hot coffee that she had ordered?" "Yep." "And the football player sued the university when he graduated and still couldn't read?" "That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?" "Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin', can I sue Bundaberg Rum for all the ugly women I've slept with?" Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences briefed below for your review. 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am. 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my Specialty why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chilli sauce, coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate milk and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chilli cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. 4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last Point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. 5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a Statement, especially in public. 6. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair you do your part, I'll do mine. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your biggest fan ... The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby.
Little Johnny at the back of the class puts his hand up and asks the teacher, "are you sure about the stork miss? Cos my sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach.!!!" A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation?" |
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